


Something He Should Have Said

by definitely_a_textbook



Series: Endless Days [2]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Ryuji is very sad, can be read by itself, extra scene from Endless Days Spent Running Wild
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-03-16 11:26:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13635330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/definitely_a_textbook/pseuds/definitely_a_textbook
Summary: Ryuji was a disaster when it came to relationships. It didn't help that kids supposedly modeled their behavior after their parents. He never had the best role models. Why couldn't he have just worried in silence like everyone else? Why did he have to get angry?"Missing scene" from Endless Days Spent Running Wild.





	Something He Should Have Said

**Author's Note:**

> Missing scene from Endless Days Spent Running Wild: Chapter 27 (With a little bit of previous chapters mentioned)
> 
> This can be read on its own. Hopefully I added enough detail for it to make sense if you don't want to read my previous nonsense.

Ryuji was an idiot.

He was reminded of that fact almost every day, but it was only hammered home when Akira told him to fuck off.

When Akira kept him behind after their last real meeting before they staged Akira’s capture, Ryuji hadn’t understood what Akira was trying to say. He liked him. He liked him a lot. He’d liked him for a really long time.

Ryuji thought his heart was going to jump out of his throat.

He ran, like an idiot.

He worried his mom.

He hid from Akira at school.

It was only after his mom took him aside and asked him why he seemed so distressed that he’d finally admitted to himself why he kept running away. He almost cried when he told her what Akira had said and that he might have felt the same way. He liked girls; he swore to her he did, but he liked some boys, he liked Akira, just as much. His mother, the wonderful woman she was, hugged him, told him she’d sort of always known, and asked him what he’d told Akira.

He… He told her that he’d ran away.

She didn’t seem as pleased with that.

She’d told him to go back and he did.

Akira’s lips felt like heaven.

-

The night Akira had been taken by the police, Ryuji had almost told him not to go. He’d almost kept the pointless briefcase to himself and told Akira to run away with them. Futaba knew the layout of Sae’s Palace like the back of her hand. No matter what Akechi had in mind, they’d get away. Instead, Ryuji steeled his resolve and pretended he was the most confident person in the room; second only to Akira.

He handed the briefcase over and Akira’s fingers brushed his. “I know you can do this,” he said, doing his best to keep his voice from shaking, “Come back alive, alright? I believe in you.”

Joker smirked, but behind it, Akira’s eyes were soft. “Always.”

“We have to go!” Futaba shouted and then Akira turned and ran, throwing himself head first into danger.

The guy liked to show off. He wasn’t planning on getting away, so why not give them a show? No one would need that stained-glass window. Once they were out of danger, Futaba’s hovering screens focused on Akira as he was kicked off a ladder and surrounded. A heavy boot slammed into his back and his hands were roughly pulled behind him to be handcuffed.

“What the hell do we do now?” Ryuji asked.

“Go home,” Akechi said, taking command, “Hide.” How dare he? How dare he think they’d listen to him?

Numbly, they pretended to listen to him, as if they hadn’t planned to go straight home from the beginning.

Ryuji’s apartment was dark when he got home except for the lamp on the couch’s side table. His mom was asleep, her phone still in her hand. He’d texted her to let her know he’d be home late. She must have tried to wait up for him, but her second shift that night had to have wiped her out. He pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and laid it over her. She slept soundly, even after his door clicked shut behind him.

Ryuji tossed and turned in bed that night. His mattress was lumpy and his pillow was too hard. No matter what position he rested his leg in, the area above the joint ached. He clutched his phone, waiting for someone, anyone, to text him. He knew Akira was going to be alright, but hours had gone by and Futaba hadn’t texted. They had a code. Well, more of a signal. If Futaba sent a text into the group chat, any text at all, Akira was home. It couldn’t be anything too telling. Akechi was still watching. His icon still sat at the top of the chat.

“Please,” he whispered into the darkness, “Please.”

His phone buzzed and he sat up in bed. “Yes!”

**Futaba: Anyone still up? I can’t sleep :(**

Ryuji texted back.

**Im kinda freaking out**

No one answered him, but he didn’t need them to. Akira was safe. He was safe.

Ryuji still barely got any sleep that night.

The next day, they disbanded their group chat and started a new one without Akechi. For all Akechi knew, there was no more group chat. They decided to go about their regular business as if nothing had happened. Ryuji went to town.

He stopped by the shoe store he used to frequent when he was still on the track team. He stared at the storefront. His old, ratty running shoes sagged around his feet. He had the money to buy new ones now. He could go right into the store and buy a brand-new pair; something Akira would think looked cool.

The news droned on above his head from the square. The Phantom Thieves were done for. Ryuji could've laughed.

Ryuji was pulled from his thoughts when the store’s owner stepped out with a box of display shoes and discounted price tags. She smiled when she saw him, the corners of her eyes wrinkling. “Ryuji, is that you?”

She remembered him.

“You’ve gotten so big!”

He’d only grown a few inches.

“And look at your hair! Blond looks good on you!”

Not many people thought so. “Thanks.”

“You stopped coming by so suddenly. I was so worried!”

“Oh, uh…” Ryuji chuckled awkwardly and took a step back, “Yeah, I…”

“Are you still on the track team?” She began to pull out freshly unpackaged shoes. They were clipped together and security tagged to keep people from stealing them. Ryuji finally had the money to buy a pair. “Your mom hasn’t come by to invite me to any of your track meets in so long. I’ve missed that. I want to see you run again.”

“I don’t…” Ryuji’s heart pounded as he admitted what he almost never said aloud. “I don’t really run anymore.”

“Really?” She looked so disappointed. He hated it. “What happened?”

“I uh… I broke my leg and they… sort of… kicked me off the team.”

“No… They should have let you run.” She reached out and hugged him. “I’m so sorry, Ryuji.”

Ryuji hugged her back. “Yeah, I am too.”

Ryuji bought a pair of shoes. They would need breaking in, but they felt nice as he walked through Shibuya, giving him the support his old pair no longer could. They were white and red. Red was Akira’s favorite color. He dumped his old shoes in the trash.

“ _We will now repeat our breaking news from last night: The leader of the Phantom Thieves committed suicide as of 3 am this morning._ ”

Ryuji stopped in his tracks and stared at the televisions playing behind a tech store’s storefront. “You’ve got to be shitting me.” He was sure the smile on his face made him look like a madman. “We got ‘em.”

-

Ryuji didn’t know why, but he’d thought Akira would tell him everything. Instead, Akira wobblily stepped into Leblanc, favoring his left leg and smiling like nothing had happened. Ann leaned over to whisper in his ear, “He’s wearing makeup. There must be bruises under there.” She wanted him to leave it alone, but Ryuji couldn’t sit back while Akira pretended he was okay. They’d known each other for nearly a year and they were supposed to be best friends; boyfriends! That had to mean something, right?

He’d gotten angry.

He’d been an idiot.

He’d been watching Akira over a manga Futaba had recommended to him and had just found the chance to hand over. He’d thrown it to the ground and stood up from his seat.

“This is bullshit!”

“Ryuji!” Ann was just trying to get in his way. She didn’t know anything. She didn’t understand.

“I’m sick of pretending you’re fine!” Why was he so angry? He didn’t want to be angry.

Akira didn’t say anything.

Makoto tried to tell him to leave Akira alone, but he didn’t listen.

“NO!” He swiped his fingers across Akira’s cheek. Concealer came off on his fingers. “’Eff this shit! You’re not gonna lie to me, man. You can lie to everyone else, but you’re not gonna lie to me! What the hell happened!?” Ryuji knew what had happened. It wasn’t hard to guess, but he wanted to hear it. He wanted Akira to tell him the truth, as bad as it might have been, because people who loved each other told the truth. People who loved each other didn’t have anything to hide.

Not like with his mom and dad. Not like when his mom lied to his dad’s face behind a watery smile so that she might not get hit. His mom had to lie, because his dad didn’t love her.

Akira shouldn’t have to lie.

Akira shakily stood up, glaring. Ryuji had gone too far, hadn’t he? “I’m fine!” Akira shouted, as if raising his voice to match Ryuji’s would put an end to the fighting. “Everything happened according to plan!”

“I don’t give a shit!” Ryuji knew he should have stopped. This wasn’t going anywhere. He was only making Akira angry with him. He was only making things worse. “I don’t care about the plan! I care about the fact that you think you have to hide whatever they did to you from me! Long sleeves can’t hide the bandages on your hands, dude! You’re sitting weird and you can’t walk right! You think I wouldn’t notice that your leg bothers you?!”

“Shut up!” Akira screamed.

“Don’t tell me to shut up! It’s not fair!” He hadn’t done anything; not really. He hadn’t pushed him; he hadn’t even touched him, but Akira stumbled backward. He’d been off balance to begin with. The back of his knees hit the booth seat, but he caught himself on the back of it and winced. 

“Fuck off,” Akira hissed and Ryuji felt his heart clench.

Ann grabbed him and pulled him away. “What is your problem?” Her tight grip on his arm hurt.

“You’re the one who said he was wearing makeup!” Ryuji didn’t know what else to say to explain himself.

“I shouldn’t have told you then. I didn’t expect you to attack him!”

“I didn’t attack him!” Ryuji couldn’t stop his voice from cracking. How could she say that? How could she even think he’d ever try something like that? 

“Then what do you call that?” Ann pointed toward Akira and Ryuji realized that she might have been right. It terrified him to know he might have scared someone he loved, but he got angry instead of saying sorry.

“Shut up! You don’t know anything! I don’t want him to lie to me! I’m his b-…” Ryuji stopped himself short, blinking back tears that burned his eyes. 

“I don’t care if he’s your boyfriend! We’re all his friends and we all can control our tempers!”

“But we all know he’s hurt!” He’d kicked a chair. He watched it tip and Ann caught it before it hit the ground. He immediately regretted it. Sojiro was looking at him like he’d grown a second head. What the hell was wrong with him?

Then, Akira gave up. He just gave up and ran to the bathroom to wash his face.

“I didn’t mean to,” Ryuji muttered. 

“Yeah, you never do.” Ann’s anger hurt. Her words hurt. Everything hurt.

“Ann, perhaps that’s not fair.” Yusuke’s attempt at reason was comforting and ultimately worked.

Ann sighed and her eyes softened. She looked sorry, too. Softly, she said, “I’m sorry… You should still apologize to him, though.”

Ryuji nodded. He knew he had to. “Yeah.”

When Akira came back, Ryuji’s throat felt tight. He didn’t know how to apologize when Akira couldn’t even look him in the eye. Dark bruises marred his smooth skin along his cheekbones and jaw line. Without the makeup, the swelling underneath his eye seemed worse somehow.

“So, yeah,” Akira said, “I lied. I lied, because I’m the leader! I can’t get hurt. I can’t be weak. I didn’t want you to see it… because I knew you’d all freak out. I’m supposed to know what I’m doing, but I don’t! I don’t think I know anything! Makoto acts more like a leader than I do! I’m supposed to be strong, but I’m not! I’m supposed to be smart, but I don’t even come up with half of our plans! I fucking cried when they were interrogating me! I _cried_ and I was so high on whatever they gave me that I couldn’t even remember why I was there!”

Ryuji didn’t know how Akira managed to keep going.

“You all look at me like I can fix everything! But, what if I can’t!? Everyone keeps saying I’m special, but what if I’m not?! I just… I just don’t want you to think… I just…” A sob escaped Akira’s throat. He wiped away the tears streaking down his face, but he just couldn’t stop. “I just wanna stop pretending… I wanna stop acting like I’m not scared.”

Ryuji ran to him and pulled him into the tightest hug he could manage. He was so thankful that Akira hugged him back. He wiped away the tears in his eyes on Akira’s shoulder before he could see them. “I’m sorry,” he whispered and hated that he couldn’t make himself say more.

“I’m tired,” Akira whimpered back. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I’m just really tired.”

Sojiro saved them. He told them to go upstairs where their friends’ concerned eyes couldn’t reach them. Ryuji did as he was told and led Akira away.

Akira leaned on him the entire way up the stairs and into his bedroom. They both sank into Akira’s bed and sat in silence.

It took Akira a few long moments to finally force out a quiet, “I’m sorry I lied. I just thought…”

“No, dude!” Ryuji grabbed Akira’s shoulders and turned him so that they would face each other. His heart was pounding. He needed to cry, but he didn’t want Akira to see. “I shouldn’t have done that. I should have just let you-”

“No, you were right.”

“Akira-”

“Ryuji.”

Ryuji frowned and pulled Akira back into his arms. Akira eased into his touch. He was going to miss this closeness. He had sort of screwed his chances a few too many times. What sort of terrible person ran away after their best friend confessed to them? What sort of terrible person avoided their best friend for two days because they were too embarrassed to face them? What sort of terrible person yelled at their best friend when they felt vulnerable? Akira couldn’t possibly want to put up with him for much longer. He was a bad friend and an even worse boyfriend. “If we break up… are we still gonna be friends?”

“What?” Akira sniffled and pulled back. He blinked the tears from his eyes and laughed meekly at Ryuji’s question. “Why would I break up with you?”

“Because I yelled at you.” It had seemed so obvious a moment ago. Everyone always said he’d be just like his dad. Yelling at the person he was supposed to love was just the beginning. “Because I acted like I knew better. Because I scared you.”

“You didn’t scare me.” Akira shook his head, “What are you talking about?”

“I was...” Ryuji hated how much Akira wanted him to spell it out. “angry.”

“That’s... That’s really dumb, Ryuji.” Akira wiped his nose on his sleeve. He was an ugly crier, but then again, it would probably be really creepy if Ryuji thought a person looked attractive while crying. “I yelled too. I was angry too.”

“Yeah, but…”

Akira leaned back into his arms and shifted his legs to comfortably lie down. He closed his eyes and sighed, defeated and unbelievably tired. Akira pressed his ear to Ryuji’s chest and listened. “Your heart’s beating really fast.”

“Yeah,” Ryuji weakly chuckled, “You’re on top of me. It’s kinda freaky.”

“I think it’s nice.” Akira’s voice wobbled as he pressed closer. He wrapped his arms around Ryuji’s waist and Ryuji did the same. He didn’t realize Akira was still crying until the front of his shirt began to feel wet. “I didn’t want anyone to see that. I messed up really bad. I just… fell apart. Everyone must hate me for that… You must hate me.”

“I don’t hate you.”

Akira didn’t say anything else. He just cried, soft sobs muffled by the fabric of Ryuji’s hoodie, until his breathing evened out. He’d fallen asleep. Ryuji rubbed Akira’s back, feeling like he missed his chance to say something important. He leaned down and pressed his lips to Akira’s forehead.

Why was he always such an idiot?

**Author's Note:**

> Something I've noticed in the game is that Ryuji's really afraid of ending up like his dad. When he does get mad, instead of everyone letting him let off some steam, Ann gets mad and tells him to stop. That has to make him feel even worse when all he probably needed was to punch a pillow. When I was writing chapter 27, I couldn't help but write down Ryuji's feelings too. Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
